And so it begins. The story of how I lost a friend because I’m a mom.

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(It has proven impossible to take a selfie with all three kids. someday we will get a family pic.)

Ive been toying with the idea of starting a blog for a while but I already journal for me and all three of my kids and I really don’t even keep up with that very well… I was (possibly still am) convinced that my blog might consist of me logging on every six months and apologizing for not having written in so long. 

-Enter: Listen to Your Mother Portland. Campbell’s soup version = a sweet friend of mine encouraged me to audition and magically I came up with something to use as an audition piece and equally as magically, found myself actually auditioning and then most magically of all, I answered a “do you want to be part of the cast?” phone call (actually the fact that I answered the phone is probably the most magical part. I rarely answer the phone even if I know who is calling. Im awks like that.)

I can tell the rest of that story later. 

SO! Here I am! Yay!!! (I say “yay” a lot, get used to it.)

An odd thing happened a couple weeks back. I lost a friend. Not to death or anything tragic. She just stopped being my friend. Let me explain: I’ve known this friend for 10 years and we have always had a unique friendship. We met during a very self conscious point in both of our lives and we were both struggling with weight management (I could say ‘eating disorders’ but that sounds dramatic and it wasn’t really). We spent very little time together when I lived close but our friendship flourished when I moved away. We wrote paper letters to each other. Who does that? We did. Booya! We emailed and texted and once or twice talked on the phone. We laughed, we commiserated, we vented, we became REAL friends.

So time goes by and we split down different paths. She is an amazing testament to hard work and discipline. She works harder than anyone I’ve ever known in school and out. Physically and mentally, this woman pours her soul into the things she does. Its inspiring. So she goes to school (a bunch) and works (a bunch) and she got married a couple years ago, no kids yet. I got married almost seven years ago and squashed out three living, breathing, poop-snots since then. I put a little bit of time in at the community college level and worked until just before the middle poop-snot turned one but my life now is as a stay at home mom. It doesn’t pay except in kisses and hugs. Its thankless 75% of the time. Its long hours, especially if some one (or lets be honest, it’s never just one, its all or nothin’ at the Yow house) is sick. Its dirty. Its tiring. Its loud. Its isolating. Its exhausting. Its selfless. Its chaos. Its wonderful. Its terrible. Its so much more than I could ever put into words. I’m so thankful that my husband works as hard as he does so that this can be part of who I am. Unfortunately, unless you are a stay at home parent you just wont ever understand how overwhelmingly bittersweet it is.

Alright, fast forward to a couple weeks ago. Our text conversation had turned to all the things we have to keep up with in life. I like to think of myself as a clown (stay with me) and I have this juggling act but I’m not a very good clown (who is really?) so when I have some of the balls up (devotionals, clean kitchen, husband time taken care of) some of them fall to the ground (eating healthy, journaling, exercise). It’s a constant rotation and no matter how hard I try, I haven’t been able to keep ALL the balls up at the right time. We talk about sleep. That going to bed at 10pm and waking up at 6 would be ideal.
“So do it” she says.
“Its harder said than done when there are noses to wipe, laundry to fold, lunches to make, dinner to clean up…” I say.
“Do that during the day, silly” she says.
“While the kids do what?” I say.
“Play and school” she says.
I sent her a link to this youtube video of a british comedian talking about how people with no kids just don’t know and I was soooo unprepared for the text that came through next. She said it was rude and not funny (watch it. It’s funny. Promise). 

Then this: “You r on welfare and don’t work and u want to rag on me cause I said there are moms I work with that juggle kids and home?… bye Meg- thanks for living off my dollar.”

ouch.

If my feelings had testicles, that would have been a kick right to them. And can I just say that by “welfare” we mean my kids have state health care and we get WIC (I realize the “” isn’t necessary. Welfare is welfare).  I’m not proud and its not in anyway part of our plan as a family to stay on state assistance. Just full disclosure there. It is what it is. It’s a season and it will pass. 

I just couldn’t (and still can’t) believe that 10 years of friendship could be shattered just like that. Done. I really wasn’t trying to do anything besides communicate what a misunderstood life stay at home parenting is. She took it as me saying her opinions on the subject were of no value since she hasn’t been there. But really… Ponder this for a second. If I was in discussion with someone who commutes several hours during rush hour traffic daily and I suggested they just drive faster or something like that, but I have never commuted in my life, wouldn’t you (as the commuter) just kind of shake your head? I (as the non commuter) just don’t get it. Same thought applies I think. 

*sigh* 

My friend wrote me the next morning (after she had already deleted me off facebook… yep… that happened.) and apologized. I believe it was sincere but it was more like an “I’m sorry but-” and then she just said all the mean stuff but in a nice way. I haven’t written back. Is that immature? I honestly don’t know what to say. Is there something to say? I don’t want to dwell on it anymore. I also don’t want to be the jerk that doesn’t try to resolve the issue. 

*heavy sigh*

I guess that leaves me in the same boat as about a million other moms of little girls. Crazy amounts of wardrobe changes? yes but no. Plastic tiaras both whole and in pieces littering the bedrooms? yes but no. The Frozen soundtrack playing on repeat 24/7? BINGO! [Subject change. Don’t worry, I’ll bring it back.]

“Let it Go” has been stuck in my head literally all day and all night for weeks. I brought this on myself. I bought the soundtrack. WHY MEGHAN WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! Well, its amazing, thats why. “Let it go”, the Idina Menzel Adele Dazim (<–Shout out to Mary for that thought) version, NOT the Demi Lovato version, really is kind of an anthem. I can’t dissect the rest of the song and how it could apply to this situation but the chorus (or at least the title of the song– ok I’m grasping here, the song is stuck in my head ok? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?) can speak to the situation. Its beyond my control. I need to let it go. I’m not sure its worth losing more sleep over. I still have mad respect (just a little less than before) for this friend and I hope someday after her kids get here and she hasn’t slept in three days because of all the shenanigans that ARE parenting, she will have that “ah-ha” moment and she will really get it. 

See, I told you I’d bring it back. 

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24 thoughts on “And so it begins. The story of how I lost a friend because I’m a mom.

  1. Love this You!!!!!! Can’t wait to read more. My life is the most crazy and chaotic it has ever been and I only have two kiddos. Working at my prior place of employment some days seems like it was a cakewalk compared to being home 24\7 with babies.

  2. She will understand some day. Yes some may manage to hold it together and still have an outside of the home job. Being a stay at home mom is just as much of a job if not more than some jobs as anything else. I only have 1 and can’t imagine having 3. My time is filled and busy with just 1 and even after she goes to bed I’m still working. Whether it’s dishes, laundry, cleaning up her toys or whatever I’m still working. With having 3 you have your plate full and a husband you have to take care of. If people aren’t In the situation it’s hard to understand and appreciate what you’re going through. Yes let it go for now. One day she will tell you that you were right and she’s sorry with no buts 🙂 wow that was long

  3. You are an amazing..talented and inspiring woman.. you write beautifully and your humor keeps me laughing away. I will follow your blog even if it’s once a month or once every 6 months you get to write. Blogs like this are worth the wait. Congratulations on starting the beginning of an amazing forever! -Jessica Johnson (Edmunds)

  4. I really love how you describe your children! I totally agree. I love you girl!
    And thank you for sharing your experience. I have lost friends to time and life situations too. I understand that it’s hard and yes, we must learn to “let it go”. Thanks for being authentic and transparent.

  5. I know how hard both you and Ron work. You are both doing an amazing job. The pay in the long run will be way worth it – happy, smart, confident, capable kids. It already shows with them!
    Maybe what this friend needs the most right now is you to help her understand how things are not the same for all people. To be accepting and true to our friends. Take your time.

  6. I love this and I love that you are writing for the whole world to see (read?). No one except moms know how much energy one child takes let alone 3! You are super mom! Can’t wait to read your next blog 😊

  7. Meghan, you are beautiful, real and honest in your writing. I have a few friends I’ve only recently reconnected with, after they’ve had babies of their own. Motherhood is something you know everything about until you’re in the midst of it. Being at home is the most important job in the world, you are pouring yourself into these little people and they will grow up knowing how loved they were. That you sacrificed financially, lost friends, and much of your sanity along the way is a huge testament of your devotion and they will carry that with them the rest of their lives. What are are doing matters. All the chaos, the cleaning, the late sleepless nights, commuting back and forth, hugs, kisses, peanut butter in your hair, cold coffee. It matters. You matter. You are one of the best mamas I know and I’m in the same (mostly) thankless boat you are. 🙂
    Love ya

  8. Meg. You and I are such opposites when is comes to our life paths. I don’t always understand where you have been, how you are feeling, or where you are headed and I am sure the same is true for you looking at me. I don’t understand what it is like to have 3 children. I don’t understand what it is like to be a stay at home Mom. I do not understand what it is like to be married and raise 3 children. But I will always respect you and love you, because that is what a friend is. It is not my place to judge you or peanut gallery your life choices. It IS my place to accept you, support you, and be there for you. (and possibly place my 2 cents on your blog comments :)!) I am so proud of you!! ❤

    • And that is the difference between you and this friend. I would say you two are extremely similar. Exceptionally hardworking and dedicated to a level that I will never reach. You choose to accept my path and support it. I adore you for that and soooooooooooo much more.

  9. Meghan, I love you. Truly. Madly. Deeply. Ok, that’s a bit far, but really, I love you. 🙂 and up until 6 months ago I had no idea how much parenthood would take and take out of me. And I only have one!! Go you, girlie. Go you. 🙂

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